No crank, no start

Keys left in ignition overnight and battery drained out. Engine will not crank and cannot bypass at starter after recharging and replacing battery. Key operates alarm, doors, windows and sunroof, but will not start. I have literally tested every sensor, checked every fuse, called it every dirty name i can think of! A joke is a joke already but come on. Has not left my driveway since October when i last got groceries in it. Help!